Don't say goodbye

Before I left I had a friend quote Peter Pan to me

"Don't say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting"

And this country

This city

This orphanage

These nannies

These kids

Aren't something you just forget

Today was our goodbye party day at the orphanage.

We all wore our team chenzhou T-shirts.

We brought some for all the nannies and they wore theirs too.

The party was in the conference room.

We all sat at tables that they had filled with plates of fruit.

Then they brought the kids in.

Dennis, Taylor and Gracie all came running to me.

It was so sweet.

The nannies had us sit and watch as all the school kids (plus Dennis, Taylor and Avery) sang and danced to a song for us.

They loved performing for us!

The next thing that happened was Taylor and Dennis went up on stage wearing baseball hats and sunglasses.

They did a little hip hop dance for us called the "street dance"

Surprisingly, they could dance!

That was one of the coolest things that happened.

The school kids did a few more songs for us then it was our turn to perform.

We have been practicing the song You are Holy (Prince of Peace)

We had lyrics translated in Chinese so the nannies could sing along if they would like to.

The song went well.

The last thing we did was we had a cake!

The director lit candles and we all had to make a wish!

Then we all circled around the cake and blew out the candles together.

Finally came the worst part.

Telling the kids we had to go.

Luckily most of them didn't understand what was going on.

But we did.

We understood that our nine days at this orphanage was over.

We understood that we were leaving.

Some of us, never to return.

I wish i could explain to you the pain of saying goodbye.

But no matter how hard i try i know i will never be able to describe it.

By the time we got upstairs to the kids most of the team was already in tears.

I walked into the older kid room and started hugging as many kids as i could.

A lot of them didn't care because they just didn't understand.

When i got to little Paul i gave him a huge hug and tried to put him down but he clung on.

I had to peel his hands off me.

Same thing with Dennis, who normally isn't like that.

He was giggling as i gave him a huge hug.

But when i had to push him away he looked confused.

I hated seeing that look in his eyes.

After i walked out of the big kid room with my heart already breaking i walked into the hallway to see Gracie crying.

She ran up to me and cried "JieJie! JieJe!" (Big sister! Big sister!)

I held her until a nannie pulled her away from me.

They were taking my little girl.

After barely keeping myself together after that i turned around to see our rough and tough eight year old boy Taylor with tears streaming down his face.

I ran over to him, wiped the tears from his face and picked him up.

He hugged me and wouldn't let go.

He kept whispering in my ear "Kenna, Kenna"

I tried whispering things back "Its ok, don't cry. Kenna will be back soon. Don't worry, ill be back. Kenna loves you."

Of course he speaks Chinese and i well i don't, but either way he started to calm down.

Steve called my name and said i needed to leave so i put him down.

I walked down the hallway and turned to wave goodbye.

I saw Taylor, Gracie and a few other kids with tears in their eyes watching me walk away.

Thats when i had to look away because i was afraid i might start crying with them.

I was leaving them.

I was leaving them again.

For the third time.

And i dont know who is gonna be their "JieJe" or their "Kenna" while I'm gone.

We had lunch at the orphanage once again.

After we started eating they brought the kids in.

They were looking better and more smiley.

I didn't eat much though.

I kinda just starred at my food.

When the kids were done eating the nannies took them out.

Gracie quickly ran over and gave me a hug before she left.

And Taylor waved and yelled "bye bye Kenna!"

I haven't seen them since then.

Saying goodbye to the nannies at the train station was just as bad.

So many people were crying.

Everyones gonna miss each other so much.

 So now after an eight hour train ride.

Looong train ride.

We are now in Beijing getting ready for the great wall!

Yesterday was a long, hard day.

Its funny to think in just 3 days ill be back in the states.

This trip went by so fast.

Alright goodnight all you people back in America!


















 

High and Low

So sometimes during devotions we do this thing called "high and low" where we have to name our high of the day and our low of the day. Last night we had to do our high and low over the entire week. But i couldn't just pick one for each! So i thought i would name a few.

Highs
- gracie and taylor saying they remember me from last year
-Mikey pointing at me and telling Steve he knows i came last year
- Gracie giving me such a big hug that we fell over
- having a tickle war with Dennis and pretending we were karate masters
- seeing so much improvement in the entire orphanage
- having a sword fight with balloon swords with Taylor
- playing rock, paper, scissors with a little girl who is known as a trouble maker
- hanging out with my entire team and all the friendships I've formed
- watching Drew, a little boy who drools ALL the time, blow bubbles and blow slobber everywhere, making everyone crack up laughing
- Taylor calling me "Shannon" instead of "Kenna" just to annoy me
- coming in one day and finding out one of the girls was gone cause she got adopted
- making dumplings with the nannies
- going to the church with the kids
- seeing the directer get tears in her eyes talking about us
- seeing how much the nannies love the kids
- seeing the friendship between two four year old girls named Lina and Dora
- watching one of the "mean" girls protect another little girl from being hit by a kid
- knowing that God loves every single one of these kids and is watching over every single one of them


Lows
- some of the conditions the kids are in
- hearing that one of the sick babies from last year died
- watching a little boy grab a little girls ankles and pull her off a bench slamming her head against the concrete floor and her not even flinching
- loosing our luggage and not having some of the donations
- hearing some of the kids back stories
- looking around at a room full of kids that i know most of them will never have a mommy or daddy
- watching some of the stronger kids pick on the little weak ones
- hopelessness
- knowing i have to leave tomorrow
- knowing some of these kids will be here for there entire lives


Well theres a lot more but there is just a few. Im glad theres more highs then lows.

Past few days

The past two days have been good.

Yesterday we went to the orphanage in the morning but took off in the afternoon so we could go buy donations for the kids.

We bought all the school kids new clothes for this year.

We also bought Dennis and Taylor (two 8 year old healthy boys) new clothes because they will be attending school in the fall.

We bought new underwear for all the kids in the orphanage because they are in desperate need of some new ones.

We were going to buy shoes for all the kids too but with not knowing all the sizes we decided it would be better to give the money to the directer and have them buy the shoes.

It was so hot outside while we were shopping we were all so happy to go to KFC for dinner.

KFC in China isn't exactly the same in China as it is in America. Its more like McDonalds.  But there fries and ice cream are amazing so I'm not complaining.

Today we were supposed to start this morning with the babies, but me being the rebel that i am decided to sneak off to the big kids along with Emily and Megan.

I held Jessie (5 year old who looks and acts like a 1 year old) for awhile and played play dough with Taylor and Dennis.

I finally decided that i should go to the baby room.

When i went in i picked up sweet little baby named Jenny.

And soon i was playing with little Blossom, my moms favorite baby.

After a little bit we had to back with the big kids.

We took them outside.

It was SO hot.

We made paper chains and played with some water toys.

After our lunch break in the afternoon at the orphanage i started with the babies.

I found a five month old named Melissa who had just recently had surgery.

Finally the school kids came in.

They were back!

When Gracie walked in she scanned the room for me.

I was bent over playing with a little kid.

She came running at me, threw herself into my arms and we both went tumbling to the ground!

Its nice to be remembered.

Instead of calling me "mama" this time she was calling me "JieJie" which means big sister in Chinese.

We were having dinner at the orphanage again.

Just like last time we sat at one table and the kids sat at another.

At dinner the director gave us a little speech about how much they appreciate us.

She even started to tear up talking about it!

After dinner we did a group photo of our entire team with all the nannies.

Then we did separate pictures of people.

Knowing that we were going to leave made a lot of my teammates and some of the nannies start to cry.

It was very emotional.

We have made such amazing friendships here.

When we were done taking pictures we were all kind of standing in a circle so i jokingly suggested we sing and dance to the hokey pokey, but all of a sudden we were dancing to the hokey pokey!

Taylor, Leah and Colin, three of the school kids were the only kids left in there at that time and they were having a blast!

Tonight was really awesome!

Compared to the first year when i came and the nannies barely looked at us to the third year and here they are crying with us as we get ready to leave.

God is amazing.

Thanks for the prayers!

Guilty

Sorry I didnt post yesterday.

Yesterday and today have been back to our normal schedule.

We only have two and a half days at the orphanage left.

Days go by slow but the week has gone by fast.

In some ways it feels like we have been here for a year

But in other ways it feels like we just got here

There are definitely things that I miss

Like texting my friends

Or eating american food

Or some good air conditioning

But every time I find myself missing these things I feel guilty

Because I can leave the orphanage

Go back to America

Where life is easy

But these kids they cant leave

They are stuck here

With no mom or dad

Or siblings

Or friends

And what about the nannies?

We come and work here for two weeks and we think its rough

They work at this orphanage day after day

Giving up there lives for these kids

See why I feel guilty?

Its unfair.

A trip like this, it changes your perspective.

I wish everyone could come and see

Then you'd understand

I wish you could hold a little girl in your arms whose hands are bloody and swollen because she sits and chews on them day after day because thats all she knows how to do

I wish you could play tag with a little boy who has down syndrome and watch him laugh and giggle with joy because youre giving him attention

I wish a little girl would call you mama because youre the only person who has shown her what love is

If you could look around at a room full of kids who have never had a mommy or daddy to brush their hair. Or sing them a lullaby. Or give them a hug and kiss goodnight.

Then you'd understand why my heart is breaking for these kids.

*sigh*

And in just a few days I will be leaving

To go "home"

Leaving these kids behind

My heart hurts just thinking about it

Anyway, life is good here in Chenzhou

Please continue praying for us and the orphanage

Thanks!

Welcome to church

Just when i think i cant get any sweatier

Or dirtier

Or happier

God proves me wrong.

He's funny like that.

Overall today was good.

Today is Sunday.

And surprisingly there is a church here in Chenzhou.

Its all in Chinese

But its still a church.

We headed to the orphanage at the same time as always.

The director told us that we could bring the school kids to church with us!

When we first got to the orphanage the kids were wild!

Like really wild!

Steve, our translator had to tell them to calm down.

Finally the 12 of us, plus the seven kids from school, plus two eight year old boys, plus three three year olds, plus a nine year old, PLUS two nannies, headed for church.

If people stared at us Americans before, they definitely stared at us now!

Church was interesting.

We headed up to the balcony where there weren't as many people.

When we got there everyone was singing.

They finished and a lady got up and started saying something.

Suddenly the whole congregation was waving at us, clapping, and chanting something.

Steve told us to stand up while they clapped.

It was a repeat of last years church visit!

Church was pretty nice at first.

Until we noticed the heat.

Or until the kids started getting wild again.

It was SO hot in there.

So much sweat.

We were soaked with sweat by the end.

When we stood up from the pews the seats were wet.

It was pretty gross.

We tried keeping the kids busy by feeding them lollipops and fruit snacks and having them color in coloring books.

But by the end they were getting crazy.

We had to leave before church was over.

But the experience was still good.

After church we headed back to the orphanage for lunch.

Except we had an hour before lunch would be ready.

We tried keeping the kids entertained with fruit loops and playing games but by the end of the hour they were out of control!

We ate in the same room we did yesterday.

Lunch was so good!!

Apparently Steve told them what we liked because they made all of our favorite foods!

The kids sat at their little table again, Gracie continued to wave at me the whole meal.

After lunch the school kids had to leave to go back to school.

We said our goodbyes and they all headed for the bus which would take them to the school.

Including Gracie.

Since we were at the orphanage so long this morning we wouldn't get to have our time in the afternoon like we normally did.

So instead we had a prayer time at the hotel for awhile and then headed to PIZZA HUT!!

We had to ride the bus there, which was an experience i cant explain. So you'll just have to come to China and try it for yourself.

Pizza Hut in China is a fancy sit down restaurant.

It took forever to explain to Steve that in America we only eat pizza.

We don't eat it with salad and pasta and chicken and soup.

He was so confused.

One of the funniest things that happened was we saw a dessert on some peoples table and so we asked Steve what it was.

He said "it is cola on the bottom with chocolate icecream in the middle and butter cheese on the top"

After awhile we figured out that he meant whipped cream not butter cheese!

It was a lot of fun!

We were all so stuffed after pizza.

It was good to finally have some American food!

Another good day.

Crazy day, but good day.

Thanks for all the prayers!

Blessings all around

I am so happy right now!!

Today was amazing!!

The school kids came.

We made dumplings.

It was amazing!

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let me start from the beginning.

Breakfast was good today.

We had fried eggs!!

At the orphanage we started out with our normal routine.

Which is taking the big kids outside and playing with them.

I started playing with a little boy named Paul for awhile. He has down syndrome. He is so smart! We played hopscotch and he decided he would rather have me hold him and jump then to actually have to do it himself. We also had a tickle war that I am pretty sure i won. He is so happy and is cute as can be!

About half way through our time at the orphanage we took the older kids inside so that we could spend time with the babies.

But I couldnt let go of the little six year old girl, Penelope that i was holding. She has something wrong with her brain. I mean she has literally no idea what is going on. She just lays on a bench all day and chews her hands and grinds her teeth. Since i didnt feel like putting her down i decided to bring her in the baby room with me. Her and i sat down on a mat together until she fell alseep. For the rest of our time i held her while she slept.

During our lunch break, Alex and Luke (the girl and her son who came and stayed with us a few years ago) came to visit us. It was nice seeing them again.

After our lunch break we came back to the orphanage for a special treat. The nannies were going to help us make dumplings! They brought us into a big room with a huge table in the middle to make dumplings on. The nannies tried to teach us how to put the meat into the shell and then pinch it closed. It was hard!! I had alot of fun though. The nannies were laughing at us all as we tried so hard to make them. One of the nannies was having so much fun throwing us the dough across the table. We had our translator, Steve, tell her about the restaurant Lamberts and that made her laugh even more.

We made dumplings for THREE HOURS.

Yeah it was a long time.

When we finished making our hundreds of dumplings we got to head outside to meet the school kids.

The school kids are eight kids that we sponsor to attend a private school. They have been at school all week so far.

When we came outside to where they were playing they all started cheering and ran towards us.

Gracie, my eight year old girl from last year, ran right up to me and gave me the biggest hug. From that point on she wouldnt leave my side. I had so much fun running around with her and laughing and playing with her. Seeing her again was liking seeing a close friend after a long time apart. She kept calling me "mama" and she was telling the other kids that i was her "mama."

Soon after seeing the kids we were gathered into another room to eat the dumplings we had made. The kids sat at one table while we sat at another. Gracie kept waving at me from her table, it was so sweet. The dumplings were amazing and we got to spend even more time with the nannies.

It is really cool that the director and nannies are warming up to us so much!

We finally left the orphanage around 7:30 sweaty and exhausted.

But it was totally worth it.

Today was an amazing day.

I have so many blessings.

Please pray for us tomorrow because we are bringing some of the kids to church!

Thank you!!

So many reasons to smile

Its official.

I don't want to leave.

I want to stay here.

Even if I am drained.

Physically and emotionally.

I want to stay.

I can't believe its Friday night already.

Today was a really good day for me.

Breakfast was okay.

I still like American breakfast better than Chinese.

Chinese breakfast pretty much includes weird pastries, meats, and noodles.

Anyway.

This morning at the orphanage was great!

We took all the older kids outside to blow bubbles.

I think everyone, both us and the kids, had a lot of fun.

The kids LOVED blowing the bubbles.

After we spent time with the bubbles the nannies gathered us all into a circle to play a game.

The game was sorta like duck, duck goose.

Except if you got picked you had to go in the middle of the circle and sing a song.

The kids were so excited!

It was amazing!

When the game was finally over we brought the kids inside to start on 4th of July day crafts.

They had no idea why everything was red, white and blue.

But its the thought that counts right?

Lunch was pretty good.

The team spent a lot of time talking about the kids and what we could do to help them.

When we got back to the orphanage for the second time, we headed to the baby room.

We always start out in the baby room in the afternoon, but I always seem to wonder back down to the older kids.

I love the babies, but I just love connecting with the older kids.

I had SO much fun playing with the older kids this afternoon!

Taylor, a little 8 yr old boy was fixing my hair for me! He made sure it was out of my eyes so I could see!

He is so sweet!

I also had fun playing with Dennis (8 yr old boy) and Dora (3 yr old girl) . We ran around and tickled each other until we were all so tired we had to take a break.

I even got Dora to call me Kenna.

That made me so happy.

There are just SO many reasons to smile!

I know that there is still so much brokeness in the orphanage, but sometimes its good to just step back and take a look at all the good things that are happening on this trip.

I love this place.

I really do.

And I'm already dreading leaving.

But for now, I'm happy.

Happy to be here.

Just happy.

Day 2 Orphanage

Hard day.

I mean after seeing a little girl grab a little boys face and pull and pinch it and have him do nothing to stop her, I'm kinda at a loss for words.

Or maybe it was seeing an older girl hit a baby in the head with a rattle and laugh seeing the baby cry.

Or maybe it was just everything.

The day started out with us taking the older kids outside to play.

We played with chalk and bubbles.

We sang songs and danced.

It was crazy.

But it was so much fun.

Lunch was at the hotel.

They serve us steamed buns at every meal because they know that us americans like them.

For people who dont know, steamed buns are our favorite food here in China.

They come with sweetened condensed milk to dip in.

They have just started serving them with half a loaf per person because we eat so much!!

Our second trip to the orphanage for the day was pretty rough for me.

I started out in the baby room holding Jake, but he started screaming so i let the nannies have him and went down to the older kids room.

I'm going to try and describe the first thing i saw when i walked in.

I saw a little boy named Tyler sitting on a bench smiling watching the other kids play.

He cant walk so he is forced to sit on the bench all day and watch the other kids run around.

Next to him I see a little girl named Penelope.

She is laying across the bench with both of her swollen hands in her mouth chewing on them.

Because thats all she knows how to do.

All she ever does is chew on her hands.

They have to tie her hands to a chair behind her back so she wont bite them and make them bleed.

On the ground next to the bench is Caroline.

She has something wrong with her brain and she cant walk.

But as soon as she sees me the biggest smile crosses her face.

Next to her sitting on a little pot in the corner is PJ.

All he ever does is sit on his little pot and shake his head back and forth, back and forth.

I have never seen him smile, or walk, or talk.

Because all he knows to do is to sit and shake his head, back and forth, back and forth.

Each one of those kids is so precious.

They are worth so much.

Yet this is there life.

And as i watch two little boys play catch with our translator Steve, i cant help but think, "Why cant they have a daddy to do that with?"

Or as Dora, Lina and i played with each others hair, "Why cant they have a mama to do this with?"

Its unfair.

They don't deserve this.

They deserve a family.

They deserve for someone to tell them they aren't worthless.

That they are beautiful.

That they are loved.

How can i possibly look at my life and not feel guilty for every time i complained.

I have so much.

They have so little.

And i can only give so much.

I realized this as i had seven different children pulling at my arms, hugging me, asking to be held.

I couldn't give any of them enough attention.

Its frustrating.

Not to be a downer or anything.

*sigh*

After the orphanage we went to one of my personal favorite restaurants.

Mainly because it has FRIED BANANA, but i mean the other food is good too.

On the way home we saw one of the ladies that helps in the orphanage singing on the streets for money.

Her voice is so pretty.

Annie and I had a lot of funny dancing to the music and entertaining people on the streets!

Wow, i really love it here.

Two weeks isn't long enough.

Of course i still miss everyone at home!

Happy fourth of July!!

Day 1 at the orphanage

I've never been very good with words.

So writing a blog about today isn't going to be very easy.

I guess I can start with, WE GOT TO GO TO THE ORPHANAGE TODAY!!!!

Its good to be "home"

It was kinda like a family reunion.

Except that there are SO many new kids.

Thinking about it is kinda sad.

But being there made me so happy.

I've been waiting an entire year to be back here!

And when I saw the orphanage for the first time, the feeling was amazing.

I cant even describe it.

When i first walked in, a little boy named Taylors face lit up and he gave me a big hug.

Out translator, Steve, asked him if he remembered my mom and I, and he said he did.

That was awesome.

I got to see a lot of other kids that were there last year also.

It was cool seeing them again but also sad knowing that they are still there a year later.

Most of the kids in the orphanage have some kind of special need.

We got to stay at the orphanage for a few hours then had to leave for lunch.

Lunch was good.

I just want to let everyone to know that we made everyone who sat at our table eat one of these hot peppers that were on the eggplant. Everyone at our table ate one, even though they were hot, we had people crying!

Anyway after lunch we got to go back to the orphanage.

I got to spend some time in the baby room where I found my little baby, Jake, from last year.

He went from being a sickly little baby last year to being a nice healthy boy this year.

It was hard to recognize him!

After spending time with the babies I went back into the older kid room.

I held a little girl who had been tied to a bench by her hands because when they untie her she would start chewing on her hands.

The poor girl didn't even know how to drink from a straw!

I had to help her and in the process got milk and slobber all over myself.

But by this point i don't even care anymore.

After not enough time we headed back to the hotel for dinner.

We also had a surprise birthday party for our team member Emily!

Happy Birthday Emily!

Once we had our devotion and prayer together in a hotel room everyone headed back to there rooms.

Apparently some people are still tired from jet lag.

Being here is so amazing.

Any doubts or complaints i may have had yesterday, were all gone once i saw those kids.

(One of those complaints would be that we are still missing some of our luggage so some people are missing there things, so please pray that they'll find it.)

It was a great first day!

Thanks for the prayers!

48 hours later

Oh so now I remember why I love China so much.

I just love everything about it.

I feel like it was two weeks ago that we started our travels.

When in reality it was two days ago.

Of course since Sunday morning we have taken three planes, two buses, a train, we have waited hours after hours in airports, we went to LA where I tried in and out burger for the first time, we lost some of our luggage, one of our flights got cancelled, we wore the same clothes for 48 hours straight, AND we have arrived at Chenzhou.

All that in just two days.

Its been just a little bit crazy.

The 12 hour flight was long, but most of us slept through a lot of it.

We arrived in Beijing at 5am China time, which is 4pm for St. Louis.

We were supposed to have a flight at 7:30am where we would go to catch a train for Chenzhou, but we found out it had been canceled.

Luckily, we found an awesome guy who was also supposed to be on our flight to help us out and to translate what was going on. Without him I dont think we would have made it.  So God was definitely watching over us.

In the process of switching flights we lost some of our luggage. So we are still waiting on some of that to get figured out.

Now we are finally sitting in our hotel room.

Finally.

Its been a long two days.

But tomorrow we will finally get to go to the orphanage!!!

I cant wait!

For now though, everyone is pretty exhausted.

Thank you everyone for the prayers!

God was with us all day today!

Keep praying!

Byyye!

(I wrote this post last night and am just now posting, sorry,)